Construction Dictionary
Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.
Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
The Story of Three Contractors
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
Six Phases of a Project
- ENTHUSIASM
- DISILLUSIONMENT
- PANIC
- SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY
- PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT
- PRAISE & HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS
Engineers and Lawyers
There are two big conferences in NY....one for Engineers and one for Lawyers. They are both being held in the same building downtown. On the first day of the conference, two groups run into each other at the train station and chat while waiting in line to buy tickets into the city.
When they reach the counter, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the Engineers' superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Supplementary General Conditions
Article 1
The work we want performed is clearly indicated on the attached plans and specifications. The Architect, who has had plenty of college, has spent a lot of time drawing up these plans and specifications, but nobody can think of everything. Once your bid is submitted to the Owner-that's it brother! From then on, anything wanted by the Architect, the Owner, or any of his friends, or anybody else except the Contractor shall be considered as shown, specified, intended, or implied, and shall be provided by the Contractor without any expense to anyone except the Contractor.
Article 2
If the work is done without extra expense to the Contractor, then the work will be taken down and done over again until the extra expense to the Contractor is satisfactory to the Architect.
Article 3
The contract drawings are intended to be correct. If drawn wrong it should be discovered by the Contractor, corrected, and done right at his own expense. It won't cut any ice with the Owner or the Architect if the Contractor points out the mistakes which the Architect has drawn on the plans.
Article 4
The Contractor is not supposed to make fun of the Architect, his plans, or specifications. If he does, then the same consequence shall apply as stated in Article 3 above.
Article 5
Any Contractor walking around the job site with a smile on his face will be subject to a review of his bid.
Article 6
If the Contractor doesn't find all the Architect's mistakes prior to making his bid on this job, or if he doesn't have enough sense to know that the Architect is going to think up a bunch of new stuff that has to be done before the job can be deemed complete, then the Contractor shall provide any such items without extra expense to the Owner or Architect.
Article 7
Any evidence of satisfaction on the part of the Contractor shall be considered as just cause for withholding final payment.
The Guillotine
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he''s been saved by divine intervention -- so he''s let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn''t release the blade, he claims he can''t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"
A duck walks into a pub
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, its just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvelous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the landlord. "The circus?" the duck enquires. That's right" replies the landlord. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle and all the cages?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"
Project Managers
If you get in my way, I'll kill you! -- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me! -- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you! -- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you! -- A tough project manager
If get kill in will way I you. --dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can! --messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all! --suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way. --thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you I'll get in your way. --project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. --project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. --project manager who is about to get in big trouble.
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares? --weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, you'll get your way. --pragmatic project manager
Kill me, it's the only way. --every project manager to date.
Three men and a Genie
A project manager, a superintendent, and a field engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The superintendent went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful people who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The field engineer went next.
"I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn.
"And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back on site after lunch" replied the project manager.
Strong Young Man
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Whodunit
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
Perfect Witness
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
Practical Carpet Layer
One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
Designing the body
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."
The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"
The plumber has arrived
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock to fix the sink. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber, come to fix the sink."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber, come to fix the sink!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber, come to fix the sink!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber, come to fix the sink."
Builder In Hell
A builder dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah sorry, you're in the wrong place."
So the builder reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the builder gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts making improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the builder is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this builder is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an builder? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having a builder on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Handy Engineer Conversations
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knot furlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 10 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels? = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision
Roofing Teams
Q: What is it that keeps roofing teams together?
A: Trussed
Painters have feelings
Q: Why do painter get upset so easily?
A: Because they're very emulsional.
It's the little things
Q: How do architects in the jungle stop monkeys from swinging from trees onto the roofs of their buildings?
A: With very good de-tailing.
I See Ewe
Q: How do you tell if a sheep is good at insulating?
A: By its ewe value.
Nosey Roofer
Q: How was it that the nosy roofer ended up doing such a bad job?
A: He couldn't stop the eavesdropping.
Heavy Stuff
Q: What made the column feel it had to conform?
A: Pier pressure.
Roofing Law
Q - How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A - Depends on how thin you slice 'em.
Designing the body
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."
The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"
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